"I" is for Intense...

I think you could use the word intense to describe me. Actually - I know you could because people have. I don't mean to be so intense, it just seems to come naturally to me. I am straight forward and too blunt more times than I care to admit. I haven't decided if I think it's an okay trait to have or not. I can't change it though, it's just who I am. I have accepted it and those around me who care about me seem to value it. People either love me or hate me ... there is no in-between. I have come to terms with that, I suppose. 

I was recently listening to The Nerdist Podcast and Dane Cook was the guest. If you've ever seen any of his stand up then you know intense is a word you could use to describe him as well. When he was talking about some of the truths he has come to recognize about himself, he said something that really hit home with me. He said he too was a person that people either loved or hated and that his father was the same way. He knew this about himself, so he over compensated when he walked into a room. He said he would walk in and steal the limelight without even meaning to, it just would happen in his attempt to try and make people like him - or at least prevent them from disliking him. I do that and I don't like it. He then concluded that with a statement something like, "I often felt like I would walk into a room and take it by storm because I didn't know any other way. And when I left I had a feeling that the room kind of relaxed again and people would say something like, 'okay now that that is over with, where were we?"

 I feel the same way about some of my own encounters. I leave knowing I was too intense or that I interrupted people one too many times. I know that I am loud and it can be very off putting. However, when I try to tone it down, it never works. I try to stay silent and be the wallflower, but I can't do it. If I stay silent too long I become very uncomfortable. Silence makes me uncomfortable. If no one is going to say anything, you can bet your butt I will. The way most people get nervous when they have to speak in front on people, I get nervous when no one is speaking. Why? I couldn't tell you. I haven't come to that self truth about myself yet. It's very weird to me. Some people are naturally the wallflower and some people just aren't. I'm just not. People who are wallflowers probably want the courage to speak up and take the center every once in awhile and people who are intense want to just relax and step back sometimes. I guess we are who we are in certain cases. The grass is always greener on the other side, huh?