Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow...

Truthfully, I haven't been using this space lately because I just don't know what I want to say. I'm feeling very discontented (is that even grammatically correct?) lately. It seems like everything I try to do ends up being a "C" kind of job and I am an A+ kind of girl. It's rather frustrating when you're a perfectionist and nothing seems even remotely close to perfect. My days have just been slipping by me and I feel like I get nothing done. The dishes keep piling up, despite my best attempts to keep things clean. The laundry... well, I should hire someone to do that because I certainly haven't been doing so hot. I am constantly thinking of things I want to do in my home to "decorate" and give my space some character, but the walls remain blank. I'm trying to figure out my stinkin' camera and that seems to no avail. I just don't feel like I am where I want to be in life. I feel like I should be doing more and then I would be happy. 

However, I don't know what more I could really be doing. I stay home with my son because that's what I want to do. We made that decision as a family and I couldn't be more happy with it. I love that I stay home with him and have the privilege of spending so much quality time with my son. I love that I don't miss out on things because I'm stuck at work. However, I'm not a housewife... I am a stay at home mother. I feel that those two things are very different. Once Walter goes to school, I want to be back in the workforce. However, sometimes it feels like I am so disconnected from the world because I stay at home. I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile in my life to further myself professionally. I know it's a catch-22 and that I can't have my cake and eat it too. I wouldn't trade being home with Walter for anything, but at the same time I wish I had more to tell people when they ask what I've been doing with my life. I wish I had a list of accomplishments and a chunk of change in my 401k and a business card to say, "Hey, I'm a professional too!" I know it doesn't work that way though. I feel very proud of what I am doing at home and how smart and wonderful my son is. It's just that the world doesn't see that as an accomplishment and so I feel like I'm stuck in one place because my accomplishments can't be measured in job titles and salary. Which, truthfully, really doesn't even matter to me, but it matters to everyone else. It's easy to say that you shouldn't let others get you down, but it's often much easier said than done. 

I like finishing projects too and I haven't finished a project in a really long time. My sister and I started painting my kitchen well over a year ago, but the trim isn't finished. It's really starting to work my nerves too. My sister and I have been tossing around ideas for what seems like an eternity about what color to put on my living room walls... still white. UGH!  No pictures hanging on the walls, no shelves, no decoration. My mantle looks like Martha Stewart puked all over it. No organization... no theme. It's not that I am even bad at decorating, I am just too dang indecisive. ANNNNND I feel like with a toddler running around that it's about impossible to get the time to do any decorating. Plus, even if I got some decorating done, it would quickly be over taken by Lightening McQueen and Thomas the Train. House? Check. Oh wait, house... definitely not checked off my to-do list. 

Photography? BIG GIANT frustration! I know it's going to take some time, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere. Before I started trying to take pictures, I always had so many great ideas for photos and would get inspiration from everything. Now, it's all gone. I feel like I lost my creativity the minute I tried using it. I suppose that's how it works sometimes though. It can only get better. 

Over and Out. 

Friday, August 3, 2012


Vacation, all I ever wanted! Vacation, had (have) to get away.

Finally after many months of planning and anticipation our family vacation is right around the corner. It's so close I can already smell the ocean winds and taste the sea salt. I honestly haven't been this excited in a long time. It's not like my life is really so stressful that I actually mentally and physically need a vacation for my health. Although, if you ask me on the right day I might will be singing a different tune. We are spending an entire week in Myrtle Beach where we rented a house. I should say where my in laws rented a home. The idea was originally to go for my father-in-law's 50th birthday, which was back in April. However we realized that the weather we wanted wouldn't coincide with April. We wanted to be able to cavort on the beach, swim, and catch some serious rays. So we settled on waiting until August and after many months of waiting, it actually feels real.

I've decided that I am going to use this week to relax and not let a clock dictate my life, which I do more often than not. On a daily basis I find myself looking at the clock constantly and using it to gauge where I should be in my day. There are always more things to do than there are hours in a day, but for one week I am not going to let that be the case. In the past I have found myself saying I need a weeks vacation for the week of vacation I just had. I personally tend to try and fit more than is reasonable into vacation time. You want to make sure you do everything on your list of activities and see all the places you want to see and go to all the shops you want to check out etc, etc. Well, I have realized that this does not make for a very relaxing vacation because you are just racing against the clock to fit it all in. Fitting in all in has become a way of life for so many of use and it's sad because that's the exact lifestyle that leads to not savoring the small things in life that really matter. So, as a promise to myself, I am going to make sure I enjoy this very long awaited vacation and soak up all the little moments. I CANNOT wait.