Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow...

Truthfully, I haven't been using this space lately because I just don't know what I want to say. I'm feeling very discontented (is that even grammatically correct?) lately. It seems like everything I try to do ends up being a "C" kind of job and I am an A+ kind of girl. It's rather frustrating when you're a perfectionist and nothing seems even remotely close to perfect. My days have just been slipping by me and I feel like I get nothing done. The dishes keep piling up, despite my best attempts to keep things clean. The laundry... well, I should hire someone to do that because I certainly haven't been doing so hot. I am constantly thinking of things I want to do in my home to "decorate" and give my space some character, but the walls remain blank. I'm trying to figure out my stinkin' camera and that seems to no avail. I just don't feel like I am where I want to be in life. I feel like I should be doing more and then I would be happy. 

However, I don't know what more I could really be doing. I stay home with my son because that's what I want to do. We made that decision as a family and I couldn't be more happy with it. I love that I stay home with him and have the privilege of spending so much quality time with my son. I love that I don't miss out on things because I'm stuck at work. However, I'm not a housewife... I am a stay at home mother. I feel that those two things are very different. Once Walter goes to school, I want to be back in the workforce. However, sometimes it feels like I am so disconnected from the world because I stay at home. I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile in my life to further myself professionally. I know it's a catch-22 and that I can't have my cake and eat it too. I wouldn't trade being home with Walter for anything, but at the same time I wish I had more to tell people when they ask what I've been doing with my life. I wish I had a list of accomplishments and a chunk of change in my 401k and a business card to say, "Hey, I'm a professional too!" I know it doesn't work that way though. I feel very proud of what I am doing at home and how smart and wonderful my son is. It's just that the world doesn't see that as an accomplishment and so I feel like I'm stuck in one place because my accomplishments can't be measured in job titles and salary. Which, truthfully, really doesn't even matter to me, but it matters to everyone else. It's easy to say that you shouldn't let others get you down, but it's often much easier said than done. 

I like finishing projects too and I haven't finished a project in a really long time. My sister and I started painting my kitchen well over a year ago, but the trim isn't finished. It's really starting to work my nerves too. My sister and I have been tossing around ideas for what seems like an eternity about what color to put on my living room walls... still white. UGH!  No pictures hanging on the walls, no shelves, no decoration. My mantle looks like Martha Stewart puked all over it. No organization... no theme. It's not that I am even bad at decorating, I am just too dang indecisive. ANNNNND I feel like with a toddler running around that it's about impossible to get the time to do any decorating. Plus, even if I got some decorating done, it would quickly be over taken by Lightening McQueen and Thomas the Train. House? Check. Oh wait, house... definitely not checked off my to-do list. 

Photography? BIG GIANT frustration! I know it's going to take some time, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere. Before I started trying to take pictures, I always had so many great ideas for photos and would get inspiration from everything. Now, it's all gone. I feel like I lost my creativity the minute I tried using it. I suppose that's how it works sometimes though. It can only get better. 

Over and Out. 


  1. don't get so down on yourself--you are probably just doing too much---you're fine--i said so :)

  2. I think I understand how you're feeling. Just before our oldest was born, I left the workforce and never went back. Oh, I did a little bit of substitute teaching, and a little bit of freelancing here and there, but mostly I was a stay-at-home mom, homemaker, and a don't-know-how-to-say-no volunteer. That was all years ago, as my children are long since grown and raising families of their own now, but I can well remember the times I felt like I was "unproductive" and that I should've been doing more to help my husband shoulder the financial burdens, blah, blah, blah. One time, I joined my husband and some of his coworkers for a luncheon, and the gal sitting next to me, a secretary, asked me rather snidely, "So, how do you like being a kept woman?" I grinned at her, and said, "I LOVE it!" And ya know what? In retrospect, I did. And looking back, I know it was the right thing for our family. The role I played was instrumental in our children being the fine adults they are today. Being there to handle all the things around the house eased the burden for my husband, and made "home" a refuge and a place he wanted and loved to be. He retired a decade ago, so we're both home now, and life is good. I'm confident that you'll look back on your child-rearing days someday and you, too, will know you made the right choice, and realize that you were much much more productive than you'd ever imagined. And your contribution priceless. Hang in there.

  3. I'm with Susan. I worked for 12 years, then have been home, taking care of different things. Done w/ pride, there is a lot that goes into creating a home and raising productive citizens. for all the women's rights fights, being a SAHM still doesn't get much appreciation, even though most women do CHOOSE it a some point in their life. I feel privileged to be able to be home now...i'm helping my elderly folks at this point. maybe you're just having a slump week. ;-)

  4. You are right that it doesn't matter what the world thinks of us; there is only One we have to please and He already loves us on our good days and bad; productive or non-productive days. Think of the people you truly it their profession that draws you to them or is it their kindness, their intellect, compassion, love? Our accomplishments can make us feel good about ourselves for a little while, but maybe we will feel better in the long run if we can make someone else feel good about himself. The days are hard now, but your son will reap the benefits of all your efforts!

  5. Boy, I'm desperately trying to resist offering advice like every man must. But you sent me a nice note once and it's been over a month since your wrote anything here. Here's the thing: Maybe you're just using the wrong measuring device. Did you take a bad picture in the last 40 something days? Did you make toast? Did you have a play date? Better yet, did something make you smile, or cry or laugh or think? Maybe these are the measures of good days and bad, happy and sad. Maybe it's not "doing stuff" but just accomplishing living a day and noticing a few things along the way is more important than whether your walls are painted just the right color or your mantel is a Martha nightmare.

    Then again, we just got done painting every wall the perfect color and hanging every picture in the perfect place. And the mantel? Don't get me started.

    So what do I know.